prenote update - 10.06.04: before uploading all of the hold..there were some html fuckups that i had to fix.. didn't have time right off cuz... i had the daily early a.m. ritual of radiation treatments and then today was doctor sing (radiation doc) day...she always asks me how the area looks before she takes the bandage off.. = like a traffic accident and it smells worse than pond scum...so she takes the bandage off and starts applauding.. finally after 11 days of radiation this shit is beginning to dissipate.. the past months i feel that i try my best to keep the negative out of mind but sometimes it's only natural to fear especially when one thing goes wrong after another actually this bullshit is pissin me off more than anything LOL...this shit is fucked up lol...i am not sick or hurt i get tired sometimes and i still gots my LUST..ha!...but this fuckin cancershit can kill you mentally along as physically IF you let it...i feel like i've been on a teeter totter since february with allthis else sittin on a time bomb and all i wanted to do is go to ONE of the docs i see and have them tell me it's finally goin away....well today that happened AYYAyaa.a.a. i still have months of this medical parteees to tackle and they said it'll be worse before it's better ...why this is all happening.. fuck if i know but god dammit I CAN DO IT...so whoever's twistin the pin into the voodoo doll... fuck you ...ain't gonna get rid of me without a god damn rocky balboa punch... LOL.. i didn't remove what was already here so ok rock on..i threw the poem below together cause there's some people that only know part of the path i'm on so this will fill in a little but get ready for all the riffraff to follow.. ding lol.... thanx for all of your support -i'm sucha wuss when it comes to static lalala..blah blah blah = just so you know....blah blah...and so now let there be a november hold issue.. YES!!!>i can do dat too!.. OXOXO
note: peeps ...i don’t like talking about all this let alone type it out…and it's not that i am entirely stressed out continuously about this entire breast cancer ordeal because that isn't the case for_the_most_part...not that i haven't been but i don't want to turn into somebody that writes a buncha pity poetry... there's tons of stuff that's happened throughout all of this that's pretty god damn funny.. i just can't focus on one thing right now but it'll come through...and since by nature most people are nosy fucks or should i be polite and call 'us'..curious ... pick yer poison....and yer nose/ maybe i'll post more during the week /weekend... check back...anywho here goes this one
a little of the lousy rotten recent lowdown
losing
a left breast
due to breast cancer
didn’t really
bother
me i mean
almost b’s were
barely there anyways
and no one can really
tell if i wear baggy
sweat tops besides
i look
forward
to perfect c’s at
the end of this entire ordeal and
the end of this entire ordeal
was supposed to
be over with by
august(04) but
noooo now
do i do
anything like
any normal person
noooo maybe
because i have
never been like
any normal person
taking most things
beyond the limitations
of the average
mind
and
soul
and this
case is
no different
at the start
of feb 04
i began the first
of 8 treatments of
chemo parteees and
for the most part
things went
like a summer
breeze til
halfway through and
after chemo procedures
were switched
things
fucked up
my bod didn’t adjust to
the med change
inflammation infection and
that damn tumor swelled to
the size of a small
lemon…
multiple tests catscans bonescans etc
like at the start
were redone
all came back negative…
finally free of
this shit but
i needed radical left breast
mastectomy surgery
to remove the
uncancerous tumor…
never had major surgery
didn’t even scare me like
i thought it would
just
didn’t want to be
overwhelmed with excruciating
pain and i wanted
it over
and on
with new
perky tits!
the incision wound which
spans horizontally across
the entire left breast
section needs
to heal before
the precautionary
measure of
6 months of chemo and
7 weeks of everyday
(minus weekends)
would begin
and after a month or so
chemo scheduled
to begin but
doc chemo noticed
a little pimplelike
nodule (as he calls it)
erupting close to the incision
toward the middle of
the breastbone and
he said could be scar tissue
he calls surgeon
doc brill
requests a
biopsy
sends to Jefferson U
hospital in Philadelphia for
analysis
…
within a week
the results returned
positive also
within that week
that little pimple like nodule
spread to a ½ dozen
little zit bastards…
for_fucks_sake -
back at the chemo doc
i ask … now
since this is on the skin
does this mean i have
skin cancer
?
no he explained
they’re still breast cancer
cells erupting from
the most aggressive
portion of where the
tumor had been …so
what we do is
reverse the procedure
:
7 weeks radiation
then 6 months
chemo juice
sessions
from the chemo doc
to the surgeon to
the radiation doc
and after observations
measurements etc
taken from the radiation doc
i was sent for a 3D scan
at cooper hospital in
Camden (nj)
configurations were scanned back
to the radiation
office and back
at the radiation
office
i lay
on the table where
they configured those
results to their
accelerator machine the
accelerator machine
is setup to a computer
with those results so
the radiation beamS
pinpoint exactly
where to shoot…
and i was to be beamed
in about ½ doz
places
man i said
i'm a little concerned here
this stuff is spreadin like
weeds in a junkyard
can ya get rid of
this shit already
it's honestly
pissin me the hell off ...
….we’re throwin the books
at you cause you’re a
very interesting person….
oooo goodie..i thought gawd i
wonder what they
do or don’t do
with
the poor boring people
……………………….? ha ha i didn’t ask
i have to lay
perfectly still
4 technicians
place the computer
set it all up precisely
one angle
wouldn’t go
their way…
i had to return the next day
at a specific time when
ray the computer tech
is there
ever lay perfectly still
for hours on end
left arm up in an uncomfortable
position that it annoyingly tugs
at the incision
head cocked to the right side. . .
they found a little
round ball in a lymph node
too.. targeted too
what the fuck well
little itches on
the face begin to
originate not
to mention the arms
legs nose toes etc..
this is hell
and…be sure not
to talk
after 3 hours of this..
the radiation doc
pats me on the
shoulder….you’re such a trooper
under my breath i was
screaming
trooper my god damn ass…
this is bullshit..
everytime anydoc i visit
i tell them as soon as
i walk in the door..
this is pure unadulterated bullshit
well maybe it’s not but
i told the chemo doc
ya know.. i have a new goal:
i want to be able
to make to the point
of placing an order
at the scooter store…and
that’s years down the line man…but
i want that chance ...
to pop a wheelie
with one of them
thangs -scoot scoot
-----------more next time peeps....cait c©llins
